Last year, Corvus Belli released some models that were, shall we say, controversial.

Obvious comparisons were immediately drawn, and the community split into camps: those who liked, or at least didn’t mind, the mild silliness on display, and those who were disgusted by the fourth wall breach that they claimed it represented.

I counted myself among the offended. Not because I objected to an oblique reference to a children’s brand, but because the cowards at CB failed to take this joke far enough. Because you see, while any run-of-the-mill joke may be funny once or twice, the most powerful humour can only be found when a joke is plastered onto the side of a blimp, blasted with floodlights, and then run straight into the ground, rammed through the surface, and pushed further and further until it breaks clear out the other side.

Subtlety, my children, is for chumps.

Let the blimp-ramming begin.

My local game store, The Hobby Kingdom, has run a Christmas Paint Exchange every year for about the last 6-7 years. I started the first one when I was playing Warmachine, and took the tradition with me when I joined the Infinity group in 2014. The basic idea is that each participant drops off an unpainted miniature, which is then handed off to a random person to paint for them. The mini can be anything, but people tend to drop off mercenaries, civilians, and support models as it’s less painful when those types of ancillary models don’t perfectly match your army’s paint scheme.

This past year, I received my random model, and it turned out to be a civilian belonging to local feline tattoo artist Tom, whom you may recognize as the previous recipient of camels and knights and stacking elephants in addition to probably half a dozen small projects that weren’t worth posting to the blog. In other words, I am already way too good to Tom, and he absolutely doesn’t deserve any more of my beneficence. So when I saw the boring-ass model he contributed for me to paint…

…I immediately said “screw that” and started pondering what else I could do for him. Technically I already have a few of his other models that I’ve pledged to convert or paint for him, but even those weren’t really piquing my interest.

So, **** it.

I sculpted him a Boba Fett.

As you do.

Prelude

Spud: So did you hear the leaks for the Hordes colossals?

Dan: Yeah, they sound okay. The Skorne one was a bit disappointing, though. It’s weird that they also just have, like… bigger titans.

Spud: What would you do instead?

Dan: I dunno, but there are tons of options. Skorne capture all kinds of different creatures, so why couldn’t they find some totally different type of horrible monster out in the desert? Like a giant Starship Troopers beetle that shoots acid goo, or another type of their dinosaur beasts? It could literally be anything. So it seems weird that in the faction known for huge beast diversity, they’d opt for “same, but bigger.”

Spud: Fair enough.

Dan: Or they could do something totally bonkers and make it, like, a giant Ancestral Guardian statue. Just a huge ****ing statue walking across the battlefield stomping on people.

Spud: Hmm… that would actually be awesome, but I don’t feel like that would be a warbeast.

Dan: Why not? Isn’t the Circle one just a huge Wold? And they made that a warbeast.

Spud: Sure, but Wolds are beasts to begin with, even the smaller ones. Ancestral Guardians are solos, so whatever’s going on with them, they don’t seem to “interact” with a Warlock in the same way a Wold does. So while I could totally see a badass giant Ancestral Guardian, my guess is that it would be a battle engine, not a colossal.

Dan: I guess that makes sense.

I have related this story back to Dan after the fact, and he does not remember the conversation. It did happen, though. So whether he remembers or not, all of this is squarely his fault.

Though the Space Mounties have been fighting valiantly to protect their country’s interests across the galaxy, they have found themselves outflanked by superior enemy firepower and discourteous sneakiness. In the face of this pressure, the NeoCanadian Courtesy Division has called in for the transfer of its most elite troops to reinforce the Canadian line.

Part 1: Arctic Space Ninja

The first to arrive was a representative of the deadliest regiment NeoCanada can muster: the Ijurujuq, an elite Inuit stealth corps that mercily stalk the snowbound lands of Space Nunavut.

The Inuit forces would be represented on the field by the Swiss Guard, also known as “the deadliest model in PanOceania”. The NeoTerra starter I picked up contained a Swiss Guard model that I’ve never liked, awkwardly one-handing a missile launcher while pointlessly brandishing a knife. Once I had the model in my hands, though, I realized that the torso and legs of this model are absolutely gorgeous in their design, detailing, and posing, and it was really only the arms that had always made me dislike the model. This ended up working perfectly– I had planned to perform a weapon swap anyway, so if I just sculpted him a new set of arms I could very easily jettison everything I didn’t like about the model and be left with an utterly badass pile of Arctic pewter and putty. 🙂

My sister had some sort of party two weeks ago and my family insisted that I go.

I checked to see if I had D&D or an Infinity event that weekend, but they were both the week before, so I was clear to attend.

“Oh, and make sure to bring a statue of me,” she said. “To go on a cake.”

Kind of a weird request, I thought, but I shrugged and knocked out some sketches. They were going pretty well for the most part, but something in the composition seemed off.

“It looks really weird to have just one person on a cake. The balance isn’t right.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “Throw someone else on there too if you want.”

“Mmkay. Anyone in particular?”

“Ehh.”

“Oooookay then.”

I dug around on her Facebook for some pictures to use as reference. There were a lot of this dude.

“Hey, will this guy be at the party? There’s a lot of reference here for him.”

She thought for a moment.

“I’d have to check, but I think so.”

The Infinity group at my store is currently running a mini-campaign that I’m greatly enjoying. Each of the eight participants has created a Spec Ops character for their army, including a bit of backstory to explain where they came from and why they’re awesome. Each week we’re paired against an opponent; the organizer writes some fluff about why we’re fighting, and assigns us an objective-heavy scenario to resolve the conflict. We play it out, and any Spec Ops who survive accrue experience to pick up new abilities and gear. After the game, both players write up a short fluff piece about the battle from their Spec Ops’ point of view; some players write a play-by-play of the coolest parts of the battle, while I’ve focused more on the grisly aftermaths of my relentless series of crushing defeats.

It’s been a hoot. 🙂