MS Paint: Tool of Oppression

datetime November 17, 2016 12:00 PM

When I started this blog, I had a very simple philosophy in mind: rather than pushing for frequent updates, I would concentrate on posting only a consistently high quality of work. My vision was that someone who paged through my catalog of posts would only see a string of detailed posts about my best work, with no blatant filler to skip over. That guiding philosophy is why I average only one blog post per month– I only produce one nice thing every month, on average, so that’s how often I have something to write about.

Some months, however, I find myself not having been as productive as usual, and thus I have nothing to write about when the vague monthly post deadline comes up. Occasionally I can dredge up an older unpublished project to fill the gap– and I actually do have a really fun one from about 14 months ago that I never got around to– however, this month I’m just not feeling it. Due to personal life events and global tragedies alike, my reserves of creativity are running fairly low at the moment. But rather than let the month simply slip by with no post, I’m going to make a one-time exception and go against my core philosophy.

That’s right, folks: it’s time for Spud to post some absolute garbage. πŸ˜€

My roleplaying group recently decided to end our very-long-running Pathfinder campaign (Reign of Winter path review: funny early on, but writing is erratic between books, and eventually it just gets boring) and reboot with a new campaign in 5th Edition D&D. However, complicated life schedules have led to an annoyingly long gap between the end of the last campaign and the first sit-down to roll out the new one.

This delay was intolerable to me, so I decided to punish my unreliable associates by bombarding them with terrible MS Paint spam on our closed Facebook group until they get their lives together and schedule a meet. No matter how much they scream and plead for a reprieve, the barrage of horrendous line art will not end until I get my way.

Behold, now, the Potato’s implements of torture, accompanied by the anguished screams each one elicited from my victims.

  • Spud: MS Paint helped me make an art for the group cover photo. THANKS MS PAINT!
  • Rich: Please no.

  • Spud: I thought I would help everyone out by designing amazing characters for us to play. First up, Tom will be playing this druid.
  • Tom: If you make me play this, there will be infinite owl puns and Rich will make me leave
  • Rich: Tom is banned from playing characters that are or make puns.
  • Spud: I’m sure he can contrOWL his unHOOlthy urges.
  • Spud: It’s funny because I made owl puns.
  • Tom: I dont know if I can play a straight man…
  • Spud: Fortunately, I drew you as a bent woman.
  • Tom: True! I just pretend to be Spud

  • Spud: Next up, Kevin’s mighty warrior will keep our enemies at bay.

  • Spud: Jay will pass undetected as our sneaky rogue.

  • Spud: And of course, Spud will keep everyone healthy through the teachings of his deity.

  • Spud: After Kevin’s elite fighter dies falling into a spiked pit (RIP Zzzztephanie), he can switch to this badass ranger.
  • Spud: I have so many ideas, you guys. This campaign is going to be amazing.
  • Kevin: Why did I die first?!?!
  • Spud: Educated guess.
  • Kevin: Wait….am I the guy or the teacup pig?
  • Spud: Roger is the piggy. Fjorg is his monkey companion. Obviously.

  • Spud: After Tom’s DrHOOTid marries a dashing haberdasher and retires, he can compensate for the party’s lack of a main tank (still RIP Zzzztephanie) by rolling up a badass dwarf, because Tom always puts the needs of the party first. <3

  • Spud: Around level 5, Ticky gets his hands on a Dispel Magic scroll and points it at himself to end the unnatural abomination that is his existence. Jay wants something more smashy for his replacement character, so he rolls a brutal barbarian.
  • Rich: You need to stop Spud, you are scaring the children. Stop using Paint!!!!
  • Spud: I will continue posting Paint drawings until we actually sit down to play.
  • Spud: Yes, that is a threat.
  • Spud: –_–
  • Rich: Strong Words Potato, I don’t know if you can handle it.

  • Spud: I’m not even bothering with the pretense anymore. These are just to punish you all for having complicated schedules.

  • Spud: Don’t worry guys, two more weeks of this will be fine.
  • Tom: We can always just leave the group and make a new one without you.
  • Spud: My mastery of the facebooks will allow me to haxx my way back in tho.
  • Tom: Right

*hours pass*

  • Jay: So when are we playing? My kid saw Spud’s art and now he’s bugging me to join the group.
  • Tom: Excellent question!
  • Spud: Dear Seamus, thank you for being the only one to appreciate my artistic genius. To say thank you, I drew you a Shark President flying a biplane. -Spud
    sharkpresident
  • Kevin: Top hats do not a president make.
  • Spud: Stripey tophat plus a wispy beard does, though. It’s in their constitution.
  • Tom: Fact
  • Kevin: Part of that is a beard?!?!
  • Jay: Looks cool Spud. Thanks. Your new fan Seamus.
  • Tom: Rule 1: Dont let Spud influence your children in any way

  • Spud: Busy day today, but lucky for you guys, I have a bit of a queue stored up.
  • Tom: We need to play soon so he’ll stop
  • Spud: I’m free tonight.
  • Spud: *suggestive wink*

At this point, there was a brief interruption in shitposting for a few days following the final conflagration of Dumpster Fire 2016: A Nation Gives Up. And then, a hero rode in over the horizon…

  • Spud: Potato apologizes for allowing a moment of despair to interrupt the stream of useless MS Paint spam. If anything, the world needs terrible D&D characters today more than ever before.

Spud didn’t actually publish this one, because it was too good and wouldn’t cause any physical anguish. I mean, just look at all of that quality up there. That’s practically a Paizo iconic character.

  • Kevin: We are not.
  • Tom:

  • Spud: It’s going to be really disappointing when we sit down to play and someone rolls a gruff dwarf fighter with an axe.
  • Kevin: Don’t worry, I’ll be a gruff elf fighter with an axe.

  • Spud: It’s funny because he’s a vegan dorf and his arms are super skinny.

  • Spud: I’m ready to dunge on Saturday, but I don’t know if I’m in a correct state of mind yet to drag. May need to write some emotional poetry in my livejournal to really get myself there.

There was some debate at this point over whether people would finally be available the following Saturday. Eventually, though…

  • Tom: I can play Saturday!
  • Spud:

Even with a date finally set, the Potato did not relent in his merciless assault, in case the others decided to irresponsibly let “real life” interfere with his entertainment again.

  • Spud: Paizo needs to hire me to do the iconic characters for Pathfinder 2: The Encleanening.
  • Tom: Seems more effective then a scroll mage
  • Potato note: Tom is making fun of Spud’s previously-proposed Scroll Mage Wizard/Sundering Barbarian for Pathfinder, who fights with magically rigid scrolls, which would be an amazing character, and also Tom is dumb and smells.
  • Spud: HRUGBOK WILL CUT YOU DOWN WITH MIGHT OF THIN TREES

  • Spud: I worry that if I stop posting MS Paint torture you’ll all forget the consequences of having annoying schedules and bail on Saturday. So to be safe, here’s more MS Paint.
  • Tom: Says the guy that doesnt want to play Infinity Sat afternoon because of Pokemon πŸ˜›
  • Spud: Do as I say, not as I do.
  • Tom: Yes mother
  • Kevin: What’s on Saturday, guys?
  • Spud: Either the day we sit down to play D&D, or the day I set your house on fire.
  • Spud: You can pick which one fits better into your schedule.

  • Spud: It’s almost over guys. Four days. We can make it.

  • Spud: I’d like to apologize for threatening to burn Kevin’s house down yesterday. That was wrong, and I shouldn’t have done it.
  • Spud: Kevin, I assure you that if I ever do burn your house down, I will spare you the stress of advance warning.
  • Spud: <3
  • Kevin: This might be your masterpiece.

  • Spud: I’m very excited to start ruining Rich’s campaign on Saturday.

  • Spud: With my current schedule of being dead to the world tomorrow (MERRY CHRISTMAS-IN-NOVEMBER, ONE AND ALL!), today will mark the end of your MS Paint ordeal. I hope that you all learned a valuable lesson about not giving Spud enough downtime to become bored.

  • Spud: However, I don’t want to leave you enough time to emotionally heal from the assault, so I will leave you with 48 hours’ worth of psychological trauma.
  • Spud: See you on Saturday, everyone! <3
  • Rich: You aren’t a good person.

-Spud

3 thoughts on “MS Paint: Tool of Oppression

  • Captain Spud [Post author]

    1) You may pollute your game with my poison if you wish, but I disavow all responsibility for the consequences.

    2) I hadn’t rolled anything up yet because I’m pretty sure my lame-o party mates won’t be awesome enough to play any of them, because they suck and smell. ;_;

    [Reply]

  • Travis Morton

    This just left me in tears for the last twenty minutes. It only takes about five seconds to read each one, but each was punctuated by about two minutes of laughing.

    Also, I like playing Infinity on Saturdays. :3

    [Reply]

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